I'm sitting in my car, in the Target parking lot, as I write this... eating peanut M&Ms and debating whether I'm going to head to Wendy's drive through next. I had my first IVF consult appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist... and it didn't go well...
To honor my doctor's privacy, I'll keep her clinic and name withheld. I want to capture the experience at my first IVF consult while it's still fresh.
Right now, I'm sad... not because the doctor wasn't open or at least a little optimistic. I'm sad because, from the moment I stepped into the fertility clinic, I felt completely out of place.
I remember going to this same clinic when I was in my early 30s... and I remember feeling like I belonged there. Today, I walked in and I felt ashamed to be there. The other patients were so much younger and I kept my head buried in reading Is Your Body Baby Friendly? by Dr. Alan Beers because I felt so old to be there.
And when I got to the reproductive endocrinologist (RE)'s office, we had instant rapport and the conversation went well...
And, at the end of the day, she basically said that, at 45, my chances of conceiving with my own eggs (whether through IUI or IVF) was less than 1%... I knew she'd say that but all the mental preparation in the world doesn't prepare you for how crushing hearing the words feel.
And, all of a sudden, as she's talking me through the idea of doing a couple IUIs just to see if it could help, I heard my inner critic rage in my mind and say:
"You waited too long."
"You have no shot."
"This is done."
"Why even try now?"
The doctor then did my ultrasound (which I haven't had done in a couple of years) and she pointed out three or four small fibroids. She indicated that the fibroids aren't big enough to interfere with pregnancy and wasn't concerned.
And then she pointed out a diagnosis that I've never had officially said to me before: endometriosis.
My left ovary appears stuck to my uterus... which had been the case in my 20s and 30s. The new information was that my right ovary (the one I believe I've produced my first four pregnancies from) now shows signs of endometriosis, a condition in which cells similar to the lining of the uterus, or endometrium, grow outside the uterus.
The doctor believes that I've probably always had endometriosis and this is why, even in my 20s and 30s, it's been hard for me to get pregnant. The eggs ovulate but the stickiness caused by the endometriosis keeps the egg from traveling down the fallopian tubes to be fertilized.
So... then I did bloodwork, got the semen analysis kit for my husband, scheduled follow up appointments and left the office.
Now I'm in the Target parking lot feeling sad and contemplating a Wendy's lunch.
And the question lingers:
Is it even worth it to try at 45?
Maybe there is no chance.
Maybe I waited too long.
Maybe there is no way...
And the tears fall because, as much as, in this moment, I want to give up, something in me keeps saying: "This journey IS for you... Give it everything you have."
So... I am going to Wendy's for nuggets and fries, drive home listening to Aimee Raupp's video Improve Your Fertility Naturally: 3 Steps to Heal Endometriosis followed by Aimee Raupp's Everything You Need to Know About Treating Endometriosis. And I'm going to give this journey 100%... no matter how it ends... because I deserve to give myself my best shot... and, if more children is in the cards for me, it won't happen with me sitting in sorrow and discouragement.
I, more than anyone else on my fertility support team, need to believe in my body's ability to do this. That's my top priority and that is also enough to keep me going on the TTC journey.
Next week I'm putting the Egg Quality diet into 100% full effect. Today, though, I'm having Wendy's. That's the harmony we call life...
Not a good day today but this is the reality of the TTC journey over 40...
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